TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1:

  The Huge, Horrible Hassle of Homework

  CHAPTER 2:

  What’s Slimy and Bloody and in a Box?

  CHAPTER 3:

  Four Too Many Relatives

  CHAPTER 4:

  Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk. Even Better, Don’t Spill The Milk

  CHAPTER 5:

  Just Another Day at School, Except For The Wild Uproar

  CHAPTER 6:

  No One Cares About Adults

  CHAPTER 7:

  Cousin vs Cousin

  CHAPTER 8:

  The Important Things In Life: Fake Coughs, Weird Faces, and Underarm Farts

  CHAPTER 9:

  Guess Who Can’t Stop Playing Video Games?

  CHAPTER 10:

  Best Homework Project Ever

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Discussion Questions

  Big Words According to Zeke

  The Great Puke Fake-Out

  Copyright

  Back Cover

  There should be a law against homework. After a hard day of goofing off in school, I shouldn’t have to do more hard work. And I try very hard not to. But trying very hard to avoid work is hard work.

  In class today, my teacher, Mr. McNutty said, “I hope you’ve all been working on your big homework projects.”

  I hadn’t. I hadn’t even started.

  “This is the first time you’ve gotten to choose your own projects. They will show off your talents and interests. I look forward to seeing them and hearing your reports about them.” Mr. McNutty pointed to the poster on the wall that said “Dare to Aim High.” He stated, “Make sure you aim high and work hard.”

  There was that awful word again: work. Work just wasn’t working for me.

  “Each day, a few students will report on their big projects. Who wants to go first?” Mr. McNutty asked.

  I raised my hand to offer to give my report last.

  “All right, Zeke, you can go first,” my teacher said. “Who wants to be second?”

  I kept my hand up. I needed to explain that I wanted to be last.

  But Mr. McNutty kept ignoring me and calling on my classmates.

  Finally, everyone signed up to do a report.

  I still had my hand raised.

  “What is it now, Zeke?” Mr. McNutty asked.

  “I want to give my report on the last day,” I said.

  “But you offered to go first a few minutes ago. You changed your mind already?” Mr. McNutty sighed. “All right, Zeke. I’ll move you from the first day to the last day.”

  Now I had extra days to worry about the big homework project I hadn’t started. I had no idea what project to do. I thought about doing a fake project. I could point to the air next to me and tell the class I’d built an invisible race car or rocket ship. I could even pretend to get in it and buckle an invisible seat belt.

  No. Mr. McNutty wouldn’t believe me. He’d probably give me a very visible punishment, like missing recess all week.

  I spent a lot of time at school trying to think of ideas for the big project. I couldn’t come up with anything.

  When I got home, I took a break from thinking. I played my Hit Everything that Moves video game. Suddenly, I got a great idea for my project: I could show the class my video game skills. I’d worked hard at Hit Everything that Moves. I’d gotten to level 23 and earned a score of 463,916.

  My little sister, Mia, started singing a song from Princess Sing-Along, her favorite TV show. Ugh. It was my least favorite show. There was only one thing worse than hearing Princess Sing-Along sing in her screechy voice: hearing my sister sing in her even screechier voice.

  Mia sang, “Playing video games, la la la, can destroy people’s brains, la la la.”

  “So can watching too much TV,” I said.

  “I’ll keep watching my favorite TV shows: Teens in Love and Bathing Suit Guys,” my older sister, Alexa, said. “I don’t care if my brain gets destroyed.”

  “That’s because you don’t have a brain,” I told her.

  Mom turned off my game console and said, “Zeke, that’s not nice. Go do your homework.”

  “I am doing my homework. I have to work on a big project. My big project is this video game. I’m going to show the class how well I play Hit Everything that Moves.”

  Mom shook her head. “Playing a video game is something you do for fun. It’s not work. It doesn’t count as homework.”

  I groaned.

  Waggles, our dog, rested his head on my leg. He was trying to cheer me up. My sisters had tied pink ribbons all over his fur. That did not cheer me up.

  “Cheer up, Zeke,” my mom said.

  I shook my head. Nothing could cheer me up today.

  “Your cousin Sam is coming to visit tomorrow,” she said.

  I cheered up. Sam was my age. I hadn’t seen him in years because he lived far away. But I knew we’d have fun together. We could play video games and basketball and have burping contests. My friends could meet him, too.

  I couldn’t wait to have another guy around. My dad was a soldier who was on a mission in another country. So I was the only guy in my house now besides my dog, and he was wearing pink ribbons.

  “Your cousin Jen will be here, too,” Mom said.

  I cheered up even more. Jen was my sister Mia’s age. I hoped Jen would keep Mia too busy to sing Princess Sing-Along songs.

  “Sam and Jen don’t have school this week,” Mom said.

  “I’ll miss school this week to keep them company,” I said.

  Mom shook her head. “No, Zeke.”

  Oh, well. It was worth a try.

  “What are you going to do for your big homework project?” Mom asked. Did she have to remind me?

  “I could show off my art skills.” I pointed to my painting on the refrigerator.

  Mom scratched her head. “I was wondering about that picture. Is that a blue snake hiding in a brown shoe? Or is it blue spaghetti on a brown plate?”

  It was supposed to be a picture of the seashore. I couldn’t show off my art skills. I didn’t have any art skills. I would never think of a homework project.

  Mia sang in her screechy voice, “Homework will make you smart and cool, la la la. If you don’t do it, you’re a fool, la la la.”

  Well, then, I was a fool.

  At school the next day, Victoria Crow gave her report first. She stood in front of the class and said, “I did a simple project. Of course, I am the smartest kid in third grade, so what’s simple for me is very hard for other kids. I built a robot. He’s better than a real person. He does exactly what I tell him to do. And he never has to eat or sleep or go to the bathroom or fart.” She called out, “Yoo-hoo, Robot Rupert! Open the door and come in, please!”

  Our classroom door opened. A big silver robot rolled into the classroom. He had claws instead of hands, and wheels instead of feet.

  Victoria said, “I made Robot Rupert myself. He’s made of six types of metal, lots of computer parts, an old toaster, and my sister’s cell phone. Don’t tell my sister. She’s been looking everywhere for it.” She pointed to the robot and said, “Rupert, please come here.”

  Rupert rolled over to her.

  Victoria said, “Rupert, please tell the students about yourself.”

  Rupert said, “I was created by Victoria Crow. Beep. She is the smartest kid in third grade. She gave me life. Beep. Also, she gave me her sister’s cell phone. Do not tell anyone. Beep.”

  “Rupert, please clean the classroom.” Victoria put a cloth in the robot’s left claw.

  Rupert stretched out his thin wire arms and rolled around the classroom. He picked up a pencil from the floor and handed it to Laurie Schneider. He used the cloth in his claw to polish Aaron Glass’s shoes. He fluffed up Mr. McNutty’s hairpiece.

  “Does anyone have questions?” Victoria asked.

  “Does the robot get along with pets?” I asked.

  Victoria said, “My robot —”

  Rupert cut her off. “I get along well with dogs, except the ones that drool. Drool can damage my system. Also, it is just plain disgusting. Beep. I do not care for cats. They jump on me and scratch me. Victoria has a cat named Nancy. I call her Nasty. That is because she is nasty. Beep. Sometimes I call the cat Idiot. That is because she is an idiot. Beep.”

  “Thank you, Rupert,” Victoria said.

  “I do not like horses either,” the robot said.

  “That’s enough, Rupert,” Victoria said.

  Rupert ignored her. “Horse poop is huge and stinky. Beep.”

  I whispered to my friend Hector, “That robot is annoying.”

  Rupert pointed to me. “I heard that. If I had feelings, I would feel bad. Luckily, I do not have feelings. Beep. If I did, I would despise pigs and gerbils. They are ugly.”

  “Turn that thing off,” Mr. McNutty said.

  Rupert kept talking. “Now I will discuss fowl. Beep. That includes ducks, chickens, parakeets, cockatoos, mynah birds, turk—”

  Victoria pressed a button on Rupert’s belly. He finally stopped

talking.

  Everyone clapped.

  I couldn’t wait to tell my cousin Sam about the annoying robot.

  Grace Chang walked to the front of the room and said, “Move out of my way. It’s my turn to give my report.”

  “Yeah. It’s Grace’s turn,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. It’s Grace’s turn,” Emma J. said.

  Victoria returned to her seat.

  Grace pointed to a huge box in the back of the classroom.

  “Do you want me to have Robot Rupert bring that to you?” Victoria asked.

  Grace shook her head. “Emma G. and Emma J. will do it. They follow my orders and don’t talk as much as your robot does.”

  “Yeah. We follow Grace’s orders,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. We follow Grace’s orders,” Emma J. said.

  “Yeah. And we don’t talk too much,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. And we don’t talk too much,” Emma J. said.

  “Yeah. We’re good helpers,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. Good helpers. And good friends,” Emma J. said.

  Emma G. said “Yeah. Good —”

  “Stop talking and bring me the box!” Grace yelled.

  “Yeah. We’ll just bring you the box,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. We’ll just bring you the box,” Emma J. said.

  “Yeah. And we won’t talk,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. We won’t —”

  “Stop talking!” Grace yelled.

  The Emmas stopped talking. They carried the box to the front of the classroom.

  I wondered what was in the box. I hoped it didn’t contain people’s faces. Grace Chang was evil. I had heard that she ripped the faces off of people who made her angry. I didn’t know if that was true, but I didn’t want to make her angry and find out.

  Grace reached into the box with her long, sharp fingernails. She said, “I have been collecting these for many years. This first one is blood red.”

  Yikes! It really was a bloody, ripped-off face! I covered my eyes. I couldn’t look at it.

  “This next one is slimy. It felt good last week on my long, sharp fingernails,” Grace said.

  I kept my eyes shut tight.

  I slowly moved my hands from my eyes.

  Phew. Grace wasn’t holding ripped off faces. In her hands were bottles of red, slimy nail polish.

  “I’ve spent many years collecting nail polish,” she said. “I now have 152 bottles. That includes 37 shades of pink, 41 shades of red, nine different kinds of black, and many shades of ivory, white, and clear. Today I am wearing Fire Ant Red polish.” She waved her long, sharp fingernails in the air.

  I shuddered. I did not like fire or ants or fire ants. I did not like Grace’s long, sharp fingernails. I really did not like watching them in motion. But it was better than looking at bloody, slimy, ripped-off faces.

  Rudy Morse gave his report next. “I worked hard making sculptures,” he said. He held up sculptures of a ballerina and a rose.

  “Those are pretty. Are they made of clay?” Laurie Schneider asked.

  “No. They’re made of dog doo. It’s all from my dog, Hulk. He’s huge.”

  “Eww,” Laurie said.

  I thought they looked cool. I bet my cousin Sam would like hearing about them today. I raised my hand and asked, “Can I see the sculptures up close?”

  Mr. McNutty sighed. “Yes. But not too close. And make sure you don’t touch them.”

  I went to the front of the room for a close-up view of the sculptures. “They look good,” I said.

  “Thanks,” Rudy said. “I enjoy sculpting. And my mom was happy I found her ruby ring the day after Hulk ate it. It was in the middle of a big pile of his dog doo.”

  “Thank you, Rudy. That’s enough. Everyone seems to have worked hard on their projects,” Mr. McNutty said.

  Not everyone. I had not worked hard on my project. I had not worked on it at all. I did not even know what my project would be.

  I groaned again.

  After school, I saw a bright red car parked in front of my house. The license plate was from Michigan. Hooray! My cousin Sam was here!

  I threw open the front door and shouted, “Hello, hello, hello, everyone!”

  My Aunt Wanda looked up from her magazine and said, “Zeke, you’re just as loud as ever.”

  I smiled at her.

  She didn’t smile back.

  My cousin Sam walked over and shook my hand. He said, “Good to see you. I hope you’re doing well.”

  “Sam has taken manners classes. Zeke could use manners classes too. He could use a lot of manners classes,” Aunt Wanda said.

  While Aunt Wanda looked at my mother, I stuck out my tongue. I thought my manners were just fine. And manners classes seemed almost as boring as math classes.

  Uncle Wesley also shook my hand. He said, “I expected you to be as tall as Sam. You boys are the same age, but Sam is much bigger than you.”

  “Everyone grows at different rates,” Mom said. Then she hugged me and asked, “How was school?”

  “It was okay. Victoria Crow built a huge, talking robot and brought it to class,” I said.

  “That sounds like something Sam would do.” Uncle Wesley patted Sam’s back.

  Sam shrugged.

  “My friend Rudy made awesome sculptures out of dog doo. I got to see them up close,” I said.

  Sam frowned. “That sounds disgusting.”

  Uncle Wesley patted Sam on the back again.

  “The kids in Zeke’s class are sharing the special projects they worked on,” Mom said.

  “What’s your project, Zeke?” Aunt Wanda asked.

  “It’s a secret,” I said. It was a secret even from me.

  “Last year, Sam composed a song and played it on his violin. It was quite advanced, but he performed wonderfully in front of his class,” Uncle Wesley said.

  “I’ll show you a video of Sam playing the violin for an hour and a half without a break,” Aunt Wanda said.

  That seemed even more boring than manners classes. I said, “I don’t have time to watch. I have a lot of homework. I need to work on my secret project and read a chapter of The Black Stallion.”

  “Sam read that entire book in one day.” Uncle Wesley beamed at Sam.

  “Sometimes I read books in one day,” I said. Actually, I read picture books in one day, not long novels like The Black Stallion.

  “What do you like to do besides read?” Sam asked me.

  “I love video games. Do you want to play one with me?”

  “Video games!” Aunt Wanda gasped, as if I’d just asked Sam to play with sharks or matches or sharks holding matches. She said, “Video games are a waste of time. Sam has much better things to do. Right, Sam?”

  Sam shrugged. “I guess so.”

  Having Sam here was not as much fun as I had hoped. So far, it wasn’t fun at all.

  My sister Mia ran out of her bedroom with my cousin Jen. Mia said, “We’ve been really busy.”

  Good. I had been hoping Jen would keep Mia too busy to sing Princess Sing-Along songs.

  “Sit down and watch our show,” Mia said.

  “Please watch our show,” Jen said.

  “Jen took manners classes too,” Aunt Wanda said.

  Everyone sat down.

  “Jen will dance while I sing Princess Sing-Along songs,” Mia said.

  Oh, no. I stood and said, “I need to do my homework.”

  Mom shook her head. “Be nice to your cousin and watch her dance. She’s our guest.”

  I sighed and sat down. Then I asked Mom, “Where’s Alexa? She should have to watch this too. I mean, she should get to watch this too.”

  “A few minutes after your cousins arrived, Alexa left the house. She remembered something she suddenly had to do,” Mom said.

  “I just remembered something I suddenly have to do,” I said.

  Mom crossed her arms. “You have to watch Mia and Jen’s show.”

 

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